I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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