We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
