You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
