Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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