I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
