My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
