im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
