Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
