I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My dick has a subreddit
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
