I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
