Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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