He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
