Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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