Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
