my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
