i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
