umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
