She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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