420 ftw
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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