Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
