If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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