so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
