i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
