I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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