I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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