I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
