i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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