if i can run in heels then i can drive
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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