if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
