So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
love makes seman taste better
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
