ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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