yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
