nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
