you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
