she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
