If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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