The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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