i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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