I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
