Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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