i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
