How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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