I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
