My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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