I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
