new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
