Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
