yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
