I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
