Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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