if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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